I know I keep mentioning this, but I really haven't been sleeping well since I got here. A good night's sleep will be when I wake up at 6 in the mornng, and have to go back to bed till 9. On a bad night, I can wake up 2 hours after falling asleep in addition to the early-morning wake ups.
Not having a good night's sleep isn't new to me though, but in Singapore, they're more dream based. I often have nightmares. I dream about people I know, I dream about them abandoning me; I have many dreams of abandonment. And I dream about betrayal very often too, too often for my liking because I wake up crying. Another recurring dream is that of me running - from something or someone that's after me.
My dreams are very real and sometimes when I wake up, I'm in such a state of panic and my heart beats so quickly. Then almost as soon as I wake up, my dreams fade, but I know that I've dreamt something and something unpleasent.
I wonder why I dream so much. What in my subconscious mind keeps bothering me? My dreams hint at these issues. I am afraid that no one loves or will love me. And my chase dreams indicate that I have issues that I haven't dealt with yet, haven't faced up to yet. So these are my monsters. The monsters that keep me from sleeping peacefully. The monsters in my closet, some of which have names, many don't.
I want to slay these monsters and put them to rest. I want to wake up without thinking "I'm so tired." I want to not be afraid of what life has to offer. I want to be able to trust. I want these monsters gone.
Well, maybe I'll have a better sleep tonight - I've asked Anne for more pillows and instead of two, I've got four. They're still down pillows (I have a strange preference for the poly-filled pillows that most people absolutely hate.) But hopefully I'll have a better sleep, not wake up until I'm good and ready and well rested, dreaming of wonderful, wonderful things.
Go to Sunday Scribblings for more monster stories.